I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
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Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
unbelievably distressed by this ad
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?