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I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!