Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
You Might Also Like
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?