God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
You Might Also Like
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.