Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
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Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other