My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
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I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Spider-cat: No One Home
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
*mops up wine with cat*
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER