Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
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*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday