Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
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Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.