I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
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“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”