I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
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“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups