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You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
This is my favorite one of these!
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*