The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
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Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.