My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
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Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Have kids, they said
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?