If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
You Might Also Like
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.