Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
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If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
not seeing the problem
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
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dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom