Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
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Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Boom, boom, ching!
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.