My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
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ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
went fishing caught a bass
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.