Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
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Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Coffee is ready.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
this makes me so uncomfortable
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*