{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
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“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.