just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
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Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Employees must applaud the planets.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
going to the ER y’all need anything
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa