[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
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My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.