[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
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“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
this is 10/10 content no notes
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building