In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
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Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
May have had one breakfast too many
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Your secret is safeish with me
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.