wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
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Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Mornin
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Just a bush.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”