Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
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My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore