I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
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Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind