Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
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Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.