Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
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Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”