“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
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A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.