My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
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No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
oh my god
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer