“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
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I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.