Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
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gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Body by sandwich.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
all bases covered
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers