me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
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[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Body by cheese-puffs.
SPLOOT
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.