[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
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“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Godspeed, John Glenn
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch