the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
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Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.