So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
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SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.