Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
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It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
What in the hipster hell is going on here
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
There’s always that one guy
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that