“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
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A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?