There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
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[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
This headline is a thing of beauty
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever