My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
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I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
This one’s “Alex”.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah