ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
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As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Hell yeah 👍
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Meow?
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy