genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
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Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.