This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
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cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
*pronounces fake like saké*
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.