spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
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It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
I’m putting together a team
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
giddy up Office Depot
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
ouch
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.