Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
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The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.