Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
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Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
2022: I can fix it
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.