I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
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I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Love it! 👍😂
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”