Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
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*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”