[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
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Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.