Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
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Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
*pronounces woah like Noah*
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”